I’ve rock climbed a time or two. Not enough to be a “rock climber” but enough to know of the strength, technique and determination it takes. Some weeks and even months, marriage feels a lot like a technical climb that I’ve not yet mastered.
At times, you’re hanging on to the side of the cliff, gripping against the tumbling stones with white knuckles and bloody fingernails. Frantically scanning your eyes along the rock. Searching desperately for a better grab or a better finger hold. Maybe even a crevasse big enough to jam your arm in and hang the weight of your body on your frame, to give your muscles some relief. (that’s a real thing in rock climbing you know!) Looking, searching and perhaps even pleading for an emotional relief. Something, anything that you can grab onto to give you a break. To renew your energy so you can “climb” on.
When you’re stuck on the rock with seemingly nowhere to go though your mind can play tricks on you. You start looking behind you instead of in front of you. Start looking down instead of up. Fear gives way and you begin to doubt the route you’ve chosen. “If only I’d started with that other foothold down there, I wouldn’t be stuck in this very spot right now,” and on and on it goes. I will admit that this has been true in my life as well. In the most difficult moments of my marriage, I have been tempted to tell myself “if only…then…”, then life would be easier.
But would it really? You see what your mind forgets while your body is hanging by your fingertips off of a rock face, is that the entire rock is filled with challenges. Each climb unique. Each climb with different challenges. No two the same, and not one easier than another. And in life, two sinful individuals coming together in a sinful world will never be easy.
And just when it feels like you can’t hold on any longer you remember, strength can only take you so far. Technique kicks in and you remember that your leg muscles are stronger than your arm muscles. You switch your way of thinking. Change gears. Stop looking for finger holds and start looking for foot holds. Stop searching for what you can’t find or what you don’t have and start focusing on what there is plenty of. You begin to focus on and appreciate your partners strengths. Perhaps even come to depend on them. This is where growth happens and in a moment you become just a little better of a climber.
Once you focus on technique instead of brute force, a whole new climb opens up to you. Same rock, same day, but a different climb. Just like on the rock, so many times in my marriage, that simple, albeit difficult, shift in technique provides the relief needed to carry onward, upward. A “foothold” of forgiveness or encouragement or grace or humor or cherished memories or quality time provides the strength I need to keep climbing. My determination is renewed and I can almost taste the sweet victory of reaching the top.
Until…I come to an overhang.
You know the BIG thing. The thing that it seems to always come back too. Every fight, every tense moment, somehow is tinged with this thing. That insecurity, or deep hurt, or personality difference, or whatever it is that your marriage just can’t shake.
In rock climbing, the overhang was always the beginning of the end for me. I always gave up, let go and released my efforts into the seat of the harness. And I admit, that in the overhang of my marriage, at times I have let go. Maybe not literally leaving my husband, but I have definitely given up the climb at one time or another. Checked out. Chosen the view of Facebook or Netflix or Pinterest instead of climbing to the top of the conflict and getting the beautiful view of a relationship restored.
No matter what partner you choose or chose, it will not be easy. No matter what route you take in your marriage, or what decisions you make, this climb is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it could be. But the views along the way are totally worth it.
So as I continue to climb, I’ll surround myself with fellow climbers. I will seek out and gather around those who appreciate and understand the sense of pride that only comes from perseverance. No longer will I look to a culture who tells me there is an “easier” way. For me, the only way is UP.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1
Blooming And Becoming 