Love: Noun or Verb?

A quote recently caught my eye on Facebook, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” – Jennifer Weiner.

As I rolled my eyes thinking to myself “just what are the right things you are teaching your children then, Ms. Weiner?” I was almost simultaneously interrupted by another thought, “just who is this woman anyway?” I mean really, on what authority is she speaking of love and relationships? Is she a relationship expert with a degree in marriage and family studies? Has her career led her down an in-depth path of understanding true tragedies within the context of marriage and child rearing? Or is she simply speaking from personal experience, either of her parents divorce or of her own?

A quick Google search confirmed the latter, on both accounts.   Jennifer Weiner is an accomplished woman, no doubt. She attended Princeton and graduated summa cum laude with a degree in English. She is a New York Times best-selling author whose several works have been adapted into major motion pictures. She is the picture of many author’s dreams. She is one of many people shaping our culture and our societies views on life. Not just with silly little quotes set to pretty backdrops circulating Facebook, but with significant content, making it onto our book shelves into our TV’s.

Her quote has sent me into a week-long personal study on the topic of love. Should our ultimate goal in life be happiness? Is happiness a permanent or temporary state of being? Are we the final authority in our lives as to which is more important, happiness or seeking holiness? What does the bible say about happiness in the context of marriage?

Before continuing I must say, relationships are as complex as the number of them in this world. Each person is a unique individual and therefore each relationship unique in it’s strengths and weaknesses. While I am intimately familiar with divorce, I know my family’s story is only our own and cannot be imposed on others.   Thankfully I was modeled love as a verb throughout my life and much of what I believe on this topic has come from growing up in a divorced/remarried home.   I tackle this subject not because I don’t agree with divorce (which ultimately I don’t). And not because I think everyone who chooses that life path is condemned (which I most definitely do not).

I tackle it because it seems like the world around us has placed happiness, as the ultimate goal in life, our purpose, the end all—be all. It’s woven into the American experience as tightly as hotdogs and baked beans on the Fourth of July. As I sit here, a magnet hangs on my refrigerator that says “the purpose of our lives is to be happy,” and that couldn’t be further from the truth within a biblical worldview. (the magnet is now in the trash by the way).

So I tackle a sensitive subject not really for you all to read and know my opinion, but more for me to know God’s opinion. And for my children, who someday may read this, to know that when days, months and even years have passed with my marital “happiness” out of sight, they will know that I loved their father with an active love. That I fought the good fight, that I finished this race (2Timothy 4:7-8) knowing I gave it my all regardless of how I did or didn’t feel.

First, a quick definition of love.

According to merriam-webster.com, love is currently defined as a noun (n). A noun is the name of a person, place or thing. (love being the thing, here.)

However Mr. Noah Webster, the original author of Webster’s Dictionary might disagree. In the first edition of his dictionary written in 1828, love is defined primarily as a verb-transitive (v).   Verbs are doing words. A verb can express a physical action, a mental action or a state of being.

So, is love a thing or an action? A noun or a verb? Is it something that you possess or something you do and therefore experience (state of being)? Do I side with the original definition or the current?

By my count Love is referred to 381 times in the bible (NIV).  And 131 of those times it is clearly in reference to action, based on the surrounding context. It’s also interesting that the non-action oriented references, are usually speaking of God’s love for us and our love for God, not human relationships. And none of these passages explicitly relate love as a feeling of happiness.

Happiness on the other hand is referenced 4 times in the bible. In none of those occasions is it referring to happiness in marriage and/or love.

Marriage is referred to 15 times, and is never connected with the four verses on happiness.

Divorce is mentioned 4 times and it is never permissive based on lack of happiness. The only occasion by which divorce has been permitted biblically is in cases of marital unfaithfulness.

The world says, “follow your heart”. The bible says, “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jer. 17:9).

The world says, “forgiveness has a limit.” The bible says, “love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5)

The world says, “if you’re not happy then leave”. The bible says, “…rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…” (Romans 5:3-5)

I believe love is a verb. More so, I believe it is a collection of verbs over time. Things done and even not done in order to preserve the holiness of marriage will ultimately lead to joy.

So by walking (v) away from an unhappy (n) marriage (n) you’re essentially teaching (v) your child that love (v) means leaving (v) and that feelings (n) rule you, not commitment (v).

My hope and prayer is that my children live their lives in a world of verbs and not nouns.

 

** P.S. If you’re tempted to tune me out because you think I’m writing this from my “happily married bubble”, please feel free to message me privately. I would love to dialogue with you more about the realities of my marriage and our struggles in light of biblical commitment.